Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
