Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
