you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
