it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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