don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
