I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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