I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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