I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
