can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
