Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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