i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
