Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
