he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
