I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
