even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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