Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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