Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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