My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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