thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
