he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
