Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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