why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Green mimosas i think yes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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