I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
