there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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