i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
