Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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