I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My pussy is not your playground.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
