last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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