Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
