Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
love makes seman taste better
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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