Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
