we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
