theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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