T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
