i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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