i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
