ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
