I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
