Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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