i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
