alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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