I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
