Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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