theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
