I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
