What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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