probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
