My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize