Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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