Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
