i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
