I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think my fart just growled at me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
