youre lurking in front of me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
