You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
