Swine flu. Run for my life!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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