Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
