be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
