I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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