You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize