Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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