she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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